Thirsk II v Newcastle Uni V (Home)

10-15 min into Thirsk’s friendly against Newcastle Uni V a conundrum struck. Stand-in vice-vice captain (reject captain?) Phil Hughes lies on the floor dazed and confused and all Pickford can think about is how to write this up in the match report (Crampton having dropped it on him, stealing his free time over the weekend- much like stealing a goal…). Obviously, there were some concerns about Hughes as well……
It was going to be a toss up between naming it after Lt. Gen. Lesley McNair: one of the highest-ranking American officers killed in WWII, killed by friendly fire (which would have fit the situation and match report quite accurately); or naming it after Steven Seagal, one of the greatest American action legends ever (in his prime- not the direct to video years)- possibly the only man who could give Chuck Norris a run for his money……
No contest really, although let’s be clear- we are not likening Phil Hughes to Seagal! More on that later……

20-25 minutes earlier…

The team walked into the changing room ready for the usual pre-match team talk. What followed, whilst being just as full of the usual codswallop, was going to be far from usual. This became clear when Hughes introduced himself as today’s guest captain. Apparently, after all other Thirsk candidates could not take the helm, and both Fozzie Bear and Gonzo had prior commitments, we were left with Phil.
The first thing that came out was a white board. This in itself was not unusual, the team having seen something similar wielded by ex second teamer Ollie Hill (the man who should have been captain). What was strange was that Hughes seemed to want to show us his collection of fridge magnets on the board (note: not worth seeing, just boring red circles). It wasn’t until half way into the talk, after having missed much of what was said, that it dawned on the team that the circles were actually meant to represent each player and that some form of tactical voodoo was going on- Phil was not actually proposing to play a one sided game of Checkers! Sadly, the team by this point were none the wiser- something about moving everyone to one side of the pitch to leave gaping holes in the defence elsewhere?
When, having finished, Hughes asked if there were any questions, the sensible thing to have asked would have been that he repeat what had just been said so we could actually understand. Instead, Pickford (AKA Nostradamus) would like it noting that he pointed out two very important questions which would uncannily later come into the game in their own way:

1. What would happen if a player got injured and taken off?
2. Why was Steve not positioned right next to the opposition goal?

Fortuitously, these questions were never answered and the team left for the pitch.
Phil’s tenure as captain, even before the game, did not get off to a good start. Firstly, Laking (who was at the pitch but unable to play due to a bad knee, back, neck, weak bladder problem- depending on who asked and what answer he gave them [lies tend to catch you out eventually]) it seemed had overlooked a very minor detail for a game of Hockey and not booked any Umpires. Thankfully, some quick witted thinking found us one experienced, thoughtful, hard working, good umpire and then the second was Gary.
Secondly, Crampton (AKA Judas) had arrived late (probably off stealing some other man’s wife- although there were also unconfirmed reports that he was seen putting a hacksaw into his stick bag, alongside a snipers rifle, just prior to this) and missed the team talk. Phil grabbed his white board to repeat what was said in the changing room. Unfortunately, someone had graffitied ‘Phil sucks’ across the board and his plan to bore The Corespondent was thwarted - rumours are Banksy may have been seen around Thirsk!
The only luck Hughes had, seemed to get spent winning the toss and getting Thirsk the push back.
When the game started, it was the visiting students who seemed to be most sprightly. They were clearly not just here for the after-match pies (more on that later) but wanted to go all out to win! They played like a team who don’t get out much onto a pitch: giddily happy to have a game, young, fit and keen to score but perhaps lacking in being better drilled and on their final touch in front of goal. Saying that, they were fast and moved the ball well around their ranks, creating a lot of early opportunities, getting into space behind the Thirsk defence and looking the more likely to score.
They must have been gutted then when first blood went to Thirsk. The second team were not letting the visitors have it all their own way and had made some sorties deep into the opposition half. Both Smith and Anderson, swarming in and around the opposition D, had seen chances come to nothing but both would crucially be involved in the breakthrough.
A Newcastle attack got broken down by the Thirsk defence, the ball made its way through the midfield, was released to Smith out wide on the right who then fired it in accurately to Anderson right next to the opposition goal (exactly where Pickford had suggested!). Steve proceeded to mess around with it on the spot for a few seconds, for no apparent reason, before dribbling it over the goal line to make it 1-0.
Any jubilation at this lead would soon dwindle as we now get to that 10-15 minute mark into the game.
The students were skilful and fast, at times having Thirsk players run round in circles chasing the ball. It was on one of these occasions that Hughes went down and where Steven Seagal comes in.
In his early career, prime Seagal was indestructible. Bad guys would come at him with fists, feet, pool cues, knives, Samaria swords, guns and explosives but none of them ever touched him! The man was un-killable! But then, in 1996, Executive Decision came out. Terrorist David Suchet hijacked a passenger plane as part of a wider nefarious scheme, Halle Berry on board. Kurt Russell is flown up to help, along with a special forces team headed by none other than Steven Seagal’s Lieutenant Colonel Austin Travis! Everyone breathes a sigh of relief at the appearance of Seagal, much like Hughes turning up to carry our team through with his baffling superior tactics! Things are all going to be okay…and then 2 minutes later they kill off Seagal, who’s last seen falling to his death (although to be fair, he might have just landed on his feet several thousand feet below!). This was the same kind of time and impact Phil had on the pitch before he too hit the deck!
There are three theories about what happened to Hughes:

1. Whilst twisting and turning on the pitch, trying to win the ball, Hughes and Radcliffe (potentially with increased mass due to the money the team had paid him) had run into each other (10% probability of accuracy).
2. A slight breeze suddenly picked up and blew over Hughes (20% probability of accuracy).
3. Pickford swears he saw Crampton on the grassy knoll just prior to this event and heard a shot ring out! Unfortunately for Crampton, Pickford’s half hacksawed through stick chose the same moment to break in two causing his intended target to duck. Hughes was simply caught in the crossfire! (110% probability of accuracy).

Either way, the glass cheeked Hughes was down and out. The slighter Radcliffe, it has to be said, picked himself straight back up, dusted himself off and didn’t even think to pretend to feign injury.
Hughes was carried off, sentences making even less sense than usual…
With the reject captain air lifted to safety, the team were at liberty to ignore all proposed tactics by the skipper and just play Hockey.
Hunt, Bobby The Kid and a particularly strong Foxley finished out the half, along with the weighing next to nothing Radcliffe, performing a sterling job across the midfield: helping to defend, create chances and hassle the opposition ranks- but no follow on goal appeared. Pickford took a shot on goal on a penalty corner, heading accurately toward the bottom corner, but swears he saw Crampton’s stick appear from a group of players to deflect it wide!
Otherwise, the team went into half time rudderless, down to 11 players, tired but with a 1-0 lead.
If only Hughes had listened to Pickford in the changing room, and answered the question posed about what would happen if a player got injured and taken off, the team may have had some tactical genius direction.
If only Hughes were still there with his white board we could have all had a chuckle when he opened it up to find Banksy had struck again and scrawled ‘Love you Phil’ across it.
But in the absence of a leader, the team agreed to continue to ignore Phil’s plans, moved Pickford back into defence (which suited him as he didn’t have to worry quite so much about Crampton stabbing him in the back) and continued to just play Hockey.
But with a bare 11, half of whom were practically ready for retirement (or wishing they were), the second half became a bit more like, at least in name, the Seagal classic Under Siege (notable for being his best and absolute belter of an action film and for having Bay Watch’s Erika Eleniak burst out of a birthday cake topless part way through- parents of our younger players can feel free to redact this last piece of information).
It wasn’t all one way traffic, and Thirsk were still looking dangerous on the break, but they were up against it.
Inevitably, Newcastle drew one back when a cleared ball landed nicely for one of their team to ping it back into the area, where it pin-balled around briefly before being slotted in on the post.
It has to be said that the team’s own Casey Ryback, Martyn Ayre, was outstanding, as always, between the posts. Time after time he kept Thirsk alive with some outstanding saves against some great shots on goal. A deserved MotM.
Towards the end, the defence were literally Under Siege at times- fending off numerous attacks and penalty corners from a skilful and fast opposition team.
Gardner and Lowes held their own, and then some, during this spell. Never panicking, always coolheaded.
Even the traitor Crampton redeemed himself by the end, a stalwart in the centre at the back- he marshalled the rest of the defence through each attacking wave.
At 1-1, and following Phil’s untimely departure, the team would have thought you couldn’t get any more drama than a penalty corner to the opposition on the final whistle! But they were wrong! Having stopped the first one, Gary blew full time when he deemed Newcastle had made a stick tackle against Thirsk. However, our better Umpire on the day had seen one of our players, prior to that, playing footsie with the ball and a second corner needed to be played out. High drama (something Seagal can never have been said to have been involved in during his entire career).
Thankfully, as the ball was played to the top of the D, the shot took a deflection from a defending stick and the resulting loose ball was pounced upon by the entire Thirsk defence, somehow being played out safe in the resulting scrabble.
1-1 at the end. A fair result and enjoyable game for everyone, other than Hughes who was busy undergoing facial reconstruction surgery- although some would argue he’s been overdue that for a while.
Steven Seagal had one more reference after the game. It has to be said that in his later life, he has seemed to pile on the pounds a little- leading some to believe he may have eaten all the pies! In a bid to ensure Thirsk waist lines stayed as athletic as we currently know, it was deemed a good idea to offer the students our post match pies to take back to their digs (when it was realised Hughes had run off with the keys to the clubhouse- thoughtless!). The way Pickford tells it, this kind offering was gratefully received by half starved and tearful students (well, all of them except the one busy being sick into the bushes- bloody students!), like he was the last man on earth during a zombie apocalypse. Happy students driving off into the sunset with all the pies……but did anyone actually see Pickford give them over……?

The team:

Martyn ‘Casey Ryback’ Ayre (MotM)
Harry ‘Out for Justice’ Gardner
Oscar ‘This he’s trained for’ Lowes
Michael ‘Above the Law’ Crampton
Dave ‘Marked for Death’ Pickford
Pat ‘This is not the work of a chef’ Hunt
George ‘Hard to Kill’ Radcliffe
Ian ‘He also cooks’ Foxley
Bobby ‘The Glimmer Man’ Webster
Adam ‘Out for a Kill’ Smith
Steve ‘Half Past Dead’ Anderson
Phil ‘Exit Wounds’ Hughes (Cap. / DotD)

The Team would like to wish Phil a speedy recovery (not too speedy, please take a couple of months until the season ends).